Fred's Foo - Bits from Nicksforum
Started by Nice Fred, 5th April 2019 06:27 in The Boring Bin

  1. #1 | 2110331
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    Default Fred's Foo - Bits from Nicksforum

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    This was first posted on Nicksforums so, as that is likely to disappear due to the sad event of this week, I thought I'd leave some memory of Nick by posting some of it here.
    I'm a low educated, total guttersnipe, dim witted moron.


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    23rd-September-2008, 04:01

    Another jolly interesting couple of weeks. Had flu or at least a crappy cold all the time as has Sulis and Michelle. The upshot is that I’ve had sod all sleep for a fortnight and a lousy headache just to put the shit on the bog roll.
    However me being me and refusing to feel crap even when I feel crap I’ve just carried on regardless and been having fun. I was a judge at an English speaking competition at a local uni and been doing anti drugs talks with the local coppers. The first one was fun but the latter is a right scream. What you have to know is that there are sod all white guys out here and so I tend to cause a stir when I go to a new place. Between the fact that I’m a shade unusual in colour and a gobby bugger with a crap sense of humour I tend to put on a good show. Now My abilities in Indonesian are getting better but full of mistakes so when I talk to the kids in Indonesian they laugh at my mistakes as kids do but it gets the message across that drugs are bad news. All those years a s a party DJ don’t hurt my ability to be a massive show off as well.
    There is a very popular local TV show here called “Swami swami takut isti” (Husbands scared of there wives.) so I always finish with “Now I want to go home, Well I don’t but my wife want me to and you know Swami swami takut isti.” Always raises a last laugh.
    Still I have to be careful when I'm using Indonesian not to foo cup
    I'm a low educated, total guttersnipe, dim witted moron.

  3. #3 | 2110333
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    27th-September-2008, 02:31

    Funny old morning. We woke at five to Michelle doing her usual ga ga goo goos but today we woke up to a pressy from her. We are talking a naughty nappy in a big way but she had managed to open it so there was eh-eh everywhere.
    She had it all over her bed, covering her body and still loads in the half open pampers. Well only one thing to do. Get Sulis to clean it up while I popped downstairs and got the clean clothes for out little shit monster.
    Then we needed to wash the lass down so we all took a shower together. That part was quite nice but Sulis didn’t seem bothered about be naughty with me under the hot water. We even washed ourselves. Pity.
    Oh well I’m up , prepared for the day and typing this post for when I nip to the internet café later.
    I really must find away to get access without having to travel so far. At the moment it’s sort out what I want to do at home and load it to a flash card to make things easy later.
    That’s the one thing I miss about the UK. Bugger all technology around here and the internet is still measured in kb/s. The laptop screen is still playing up after Sulis’s little episode with flooding the house so it looks like I’m going to have to look for a new one. If I’m a good boy maybe mummy and daddy will buy me one for Christmas. I have seen a really natty little one by Acer. Small screen, very portable, fully loaded and cuter than most of the girl’s pert little bums out here.
    Come to think about it the arses on the lasses out here almost make up for the loss of home internet. Walk down any street and you see a load of slim but very shapely bums. Must be the food but so few here have soggy floppy jobs that waddle behind them as they amble down the road.
    Maybe I’ll just pop to the toilet and have another shower after.

    I realise now that I made a big mistake getting married and moving out here a year ago. If I’d come out here when I was twenty I could have shagged myself to death. I’m a fat old git but still good looking and able to shag three times a night at an hour a pop but there is a culture here that girls want white babies so they aim to get a European hubby. You should see people when they see Michelle. They go crackers over her and every bugger wants to take turns holding her. Between the craving for light skinned babies and the perception that an English husband looks after them better would have given me a shorter and knackered life full of massive amounts of bonking good looking 20 year olds.
    OK I would have snuffed it by now but what a way to go. Still loads trying to get me but as the nice responsible hubby that I am I can’t really go shagging around now. Well maybe the odd sheep.

    Just after thought I just got a virus on the computer. Came on the flash card from the internet cafe.
    I want castration by rusty penknife followed by a slow, painful death for virus writers.
    I'm a low educated, total guttersnipe, dim witted moron.

  4. #4 | 2110334
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    3rd-October-2008, 08:06

    It’s holiday time over here with the Eid celebrations. Bit like Christmas in the UK but no drunks.
    All and sundry go to each others houses and say sorry to everyone they meet just in case they have offended them in any way over the last year. Thing is that they mean it. Quite nice really.
    Anyway got over My case of the screaming hab dabs and all is well in the bog (John for the yanky doodle dandy types) department now. Handy really because I’ve been stuffing my face in a big way the last couple of days.
    Michelle is demanding loads of attention all the time and it’s hard work keeping her amused.
    Little sod crawls all over the place and everything has to be shifted out of her way.

    I’ve been trying to resume my career as a raving pervert but without success. I went to the local market looking for some nice breasts but forgot that in the local language fun bags are called milk. So regardless of if you want to drink the stuff or feel a nice pair you must ask for susu. All I ended up with was chicken breast. Still, tasted well with chips. (That’s French fries for the yanks).

    As you may know I’ve been teaching English here but I find my limitations when I try to use big words. For instance I was feeling like a little naughty aural pleasure so I popped to the local town and tried to use the fancy word for the job. I must have got it wrong as all I came home with was a load of stamps.
    I suppose that if Gary Glitter tried the same thing he would have bought home some welsh cheese.

    So now I’m typing this twoddle while watching a TV program about a white bloke who lives in Indonesia but they are taking off the sort of things that happens to us poor sods out here before we get savvy as to the tricks. Indonesians find it funny as they all know these tricks and I am rolling around as I’ve had them all done to me or tried. Many still do but not locally. I know enough now to not let the rest. That and My Indonesian is getting good enough to tell them that’s the white guy’s price.
    Odd that now I can understand Indonesian to the point that I can work out what’s going off in the program and it’s all set around this area so I recognise many of the places I’m seeing.

    Bunch of local kids have just rolled in so I've had to pop downstairs and say hello. All the kids I meet are great here and seem to like me for some odd reason. Maybe it's because I'm a nutter and always peeing about.

    Go on then. With all the requests and PM threats to cut off my goolies and feed them to me if I don’t, I’ll post another picture of the shit monster.


    Attachment 34586
    I'm a low educated, total guttersnipe, dim witted moron.

  5. #5 | 2110335
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    8th-October-2008, 06:23

    Out here in the sticks the water (and electricity) supply can be a bit on and off. It’s the end of the dry season so we are just about to regain a full time supply after five or six months of not much. At this time of year the supply goes from almost nothing to full pressure in a matter of hours so yesterday morning I got up for a poo poo after an especially hot curry made by Sulis and after a very satisfying crap with many many top quality farts proceeded to wash my arse.
    I should explain that while there is water we don’t use bog roll but wash the old sphincter with a squirt of water from a hose with a special end comprising a tap and water director.
    Well, as I said, I went to wash Kirks mates off (Klingons) but the pressure was very high and the water blasted right up my arse hole in a big way. So, shocked as I was, I realised that I needed to squirt out the water to save my Y fronts from a serious wetting. With this in mind I concentrated and squeezed.
    A jet of water splashed out of my backside followed by a fart that knew no bounds and would have found it’s way into the Guiness book of records on several counts if only I could have got their judges to watch and listen to it.
    Anyway after that I squirted the hose again just for fun. I could spend hours on the bog now I’ve got that trick off.
    Today Michelle is feeling a bit off. She got a cold again so didn’t sleep all that well. ‘ve spent most of the day at the shop with Sulis to help her out but I’m as fed up as you can get so I’m typing out this crap to post later when I get to an internet café. As I type there is no one in the shop. Handy really as I’m pooping smelly poops and leaving a bit of a stick. Hope no bugger comes in for a few minutes.
    Oh well back to backing up all my data on a new 250gig external that I bought yesterday.
    Still got my eyes on that little Acer laptop. Maybe I’ll push the boat out and buy it. (Only Rp5 million)
    Sulis just called me outside. Seems she got Michelle sat on a small chair and wants me to take a photo.

    Here it is.

    Attachment 34587

    Well at eight months and two days old Michelle crawled across the room to Sulis and stood up by climbing on Sulis’s leg and using it for support but with no help.
    I’m not that sure about when kids do what but that seems a bit young for standing up to me.
    I'm a low educated, total guttersnipe, dim witted moron.

  6. #6 | 2110336
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    10th-October-2008, 03:53


    The Indonesian word for dead is mati (Pronounced matee). It’s been a handy sort of word today as I seem to have killed most things that I’ve seen walking about.
    It all started this morning with a bloody enormous cockroach that felt the carpet sweeper across it’s back followed by an unceremonious slinging into the garden.
    We buggered off to the shop and, as over the last two weeks, found a load of rat droppings. We’ve been trying to find out where the little sod’s been getting in for ages but never found it. Anyway this morning Sulis heard something move in a large plastic bag that she keeps wrappers in so I belted the bag with a big stick, grabbed it and tossed it out of the shop. Sadly I missed the door hole so the bag hit the frame and that was the cue for a large economy sized rat to run out of the bag and straight up the wall trying to hide behind clothes.
    You have to picture in your mind me chasing the dammed thing round the shop like some sort of psychopathic rat hating loony. Anyway after poking and hitting at it for a few minutes I finally slapped it over the head with a shot that any first class cricketer would have been proud off.
    After that a couple of extra cracks to make sure it was mati and used the stick to knock it down the drain.
    Well I managed for hours without killing anything else but I met a mate for lunch in a local restaurant when he asked me if I liked fish. Well I’m not that big a fan but Sulis loves the stuff so I said yes.
    What I didn’t realise is that he meant I would have to catch it first. On the way to his place we picked up some large insects from a fishing shop and off we went. I knew he had a pond in his garden but had o idea that it was full of catfish. I soon found out when he appeared with a rod and proceeded to hook a roach to the end of the line. Fishing is very easy and considering that I’ve never done it before it only took me half an hour broken by a lot of conversation to get seven fish in the pot.
    Any Muji put then in a plastic bag and I took them home for Sulis. Now I always assumed that fish snuff it when removed from the water but it seems not as when we took three of them out of the bag and Sulis was about to gut them the bloody things started moving about. It seems that the local method to finish them off is to whack them over the head with a stone so that was their fate at my hands.
    Anyway to finish the day off I’ve just slotted a mosquito that wanted me for dinner but I do hope that’s the last thing that will die at my hands for today.

    PS - Sulis said that the fish tasted good. I had a vegetarian option of white rice and potato done in a spicy sauce.
    Bugger. Power cut. Thank my sweet bum I’m using a laptop and can finish this senten
    I'm a low educated, total guttersnipe, dim witted moron.

  7. #7 | 2110337
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    13th-October-2008, 04:46

    Oh I do like to be beside the seaside, oh I do like to be besides the sea…la la la la la larrrrrrr.

    So as I’ve never been to the sea while here in Indonesia I decided to take a trip to a place called Glagah about an hour and a half drive from home. It’s about the nearest beach to my place with anything to see.
    Anyway off I went on my little motorbike via a large town called Purworejo Where I sometimes visit the local university’s English language club. I dropped in to say hello at a radio station in the town before finishing my journey to the coast.
    Anyway, on with the tale (Sorry to mention tails with HL listening) I found my way to the place with little problem and was charged the massive sum of Rp2000 to enter the coast road and the same again to park my Honda. First thing on the agenda was to buy a cold Coca Cola and sit in the shade enjoying the refreshing taste sensation offered by that fabulous beverage. (That’s £100 please Coca cola co or next time I’ll have a Pepsi.). So Coke finished and raring to go I set off down the beach enjoying the fresh sea breeze and looking around at the tourist boats all offering me a trip out to sea at what I suspect would be the tourist rate. I declined their kind offers with a kind word about me just wanting to enjoy a walk. My abilities in Indonesia are getting better now and I can order food, ask directions but I don’t think I could direct an opera or translate Shakespeare just yet.
    So I wandered about the quiet little place for a while, took a few photos for your pleasure and after a short conversation with a couple of bird watchers who could speak English I jumped over my 200cc Tiger and headed off in the direction of Purworejo where I happen to know a little semi open air restaurant that sells a nice if small portion of spaghetti bolognese. (So how the hell do you spell that?)
    Italian snap washed down my neck with another Coke (remember what I said Coca cola company) I decided it was time to point my front wheel towards home.
    Rejoining Sulis in the shop I took Michelle for a little walk around the market. An uneventful perambulation later I returned to Sulis but after a while felt the need for an ice cream so off I went again but alone this time.
    The only noteworthy event was a few drunks trying to get me to drink the local crappy whiskey. Unlike many countries drunks are rare here as so few people drink and drinking in public is illegal. No one likes to see them and they are considered lower that a doggy doodoo and just as nice to avoid.
    I don’t drink anyway but even if I did I wouldn’t drink that stuff as you have no idea what goes into it. A couple of months back a bunch of people died after drinking illegal booze. Turns out they were using wood alcohols to give the fire water some poke but, for those who don’t know, the stuff has a nasty habit of sending you blind, burning your liver away in short order or just out and out killing you the first time you drink very much of it.
    So with all the local watching me expecting the white guy to take a drink I gave them three very good reasons why I didn’t want the stuff and told them to sod off.
    I was going to add a forth reason that they would get my fist in their gobs if they didn’t bugger off but the first three proved enough.

    Notes for them as dunt know.
    First the last sentence may be poor English but it’s fine in Yorkshire, Northern England where I come from.
    Snap = food
    doggy doodoo= Solid brown things from a dog’s arse (Ass in USA).
    A gob is an English slang word for mouth used commonly in Yorkshire
    At the moment you get about Rp17,000++ for a quid and I’m one of them weird Muslims that you read so much about so I don’t play with the booze.
    I do shag sheep.



    PS
    I didn’t kill anything today.
    I'm a low educated, total guttersnipe, dim witted moron.

  8. #8 | 2110338
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    12 Oct
    just went to a place called Magalan with Sulis who wanted stock for the shop then went home and did bugger all.

    Just been toying with the idea of writing a blog. Do you think that anyone would be bothered about reading my tail?
    I have some interesting tattoos on it with the complete text of Macbeth including some nice pictures of trees moving towards castles.
    I should add that when I think about getting HL into bed they move away again.
    I'm a low educated, total guttersnipe, dim witted moron.

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    23rd-October-2008, 04:33

    I mentioned before that the rainy season has started here. Picture, if you will what it’s like.
    Usually the morning is nice and sunny with temperatures of up to 25 or 30 degrees but in the late afternoon things change. The thermometer drops to less that 15 and the heavens open.
    I want you to imagine two blokes chatting over a pint in the local. That’s rain in the UK. Now change the image to a mother’s meeting gassing away about knitting, babies and stuff. That’s how it pees it down over here.
    So anyway that’s the daily weather here for the next six months. The advantage is that we will have running water all the time in the house but the down side is that the electricity will keep going out as the lines are tangled in the trees and no one thinks to sort out the problem so they just repair the broken line and wait for it to fall down again. Oh hum, that’s Indonesia.
    All the local schools still want me to visit and I’m now teaching the local cops how to speak English.
    Tomorrow it’s off to some school in a place that I can’t pronounce to strut my funky stuff to the English students. I’m going prepared for the trip home as I know my poor little booties are going to get a splashing so it’s take all the waterproofs and I should be fine. Now I’m a big sort of chap in the UK but over here it can be a bit hard to find clothes and stuff that fit me. I have real problems finding shoes as me feet are so wide and things like waterproof trousers for the bike I have to get sent from England.
    I always used to think that I had a massive thingy as condoms only came have way down but that was before I found out that you have to unroll them.
    Anyway mummy and daddy sent me a nice new one piece waterproof from a local bike shop and I think I’ll take it’s virginity tomorrow as the place I’m off to is over 60 miles away.
    We are now to the point where we have to hide everything from the shit monster. She can crawl pretty quick and my trick of hiding the remotes, phones and so forth on a small table is a waste of time as the little sod can stand up if she has something to hold herself up with. Give the bigger a month at this rate and I think she will be walking.
    Time to stop the `typing as the miniature me is all over the sodding computer and it’s the best part of impossible to continue..
    Bye bye.

    STOP PRESS.
    I was laid on the floor a moment ago when the little tyke used me to stand up. She then let go of me and took her first step. That’s at eight months, two weeks, two days, seven and a half hours give or take.
    She immediately fell on her fat arse but keeps doing it.

    Next day.
    Bugger, bugger, shit, shit. I did go to the school and another one in the same town as well.
    Fun time and lots of nice gifts for me as well. If the place is a long way from home I ask them if they will pay for the fuel but this time they gave me a load of pressies and a fat pile of cash as well.
    The slight downside is that I didn’t take the nice new waterproofs with me and I should have.
    It proper peed it down on the way home and even with the normal waterproofs I keep under the seat of my bike I got soggy. I won’t make that mistake again.
    Little miss noisy has got the hang of that standing up thing now and has decided that she can do it all the time. What she’s doing is crawling up to whoever or what ever will support her weight and using it to get up. She then lets go and stands up unaided until she falls over then she does it again laughing all over her mush.
    I'm a low educated, total guttersnipe, dim witted moron.

  10. #10 | 2110340
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    27th-October-2008, 05:53

    Rare old week coming up.
    Saturday it’s off to a local school talking about English family life and schools.
    Monday to a school with the coppers. Not quite sure what’s that for but I’ll find out when I get there.
    Tuesday to the top local school talking to a convention of English teachers.
    Wednesday to a place called Magalang with a mate to get a new tyre for my bike.
    Thursday to a uni in another town that I have no hope of spelling correctly without looking it up on a map.
    Friday - Sod all if I can help it.
    Oh ell, when will I get time to play with the internet?
    Still a mate just called me to tell me about a USB dongle that works from the mobile phone network. He seems to think that it will work fine over here so I’m going to get a demo when he comes home tomorrow.
    The total and utter (Insert your own evil insult here) from immigration just called as well.
    He ripped me off for over Rp 7 million last year and now wants to do it again for almost 3 more.
    They are having a bit clampdown on corruption over here and have set up a special unit called the KPK to sort the problem out. Maybe it’s time to call them.
    Anyway back to the fun. The water has been off all day and we have none in the house. So no shower this evening and no water to cook. That’s not too bad as we can wash in the shop in the morning and I picked up some snap from a little shop and brought it home. The bugger is that the bog proper pongs and no way to flush it unless I drink a load of water and hope that the pee is less smelly than the poo poo.
    Just wanted to leave you with that thought.
    Bye bye.
    I'm a low educated, total guttersnipe, dim witted moron.

 


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