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Q: Why is Santa Claus always so happy??
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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Q: What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a wife??
A: A Christmas tree looks good with the lights on.

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Q: Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
A: Because snow man is an island.

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Santa pet peeves:

- Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin
- When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
- Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"
- Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
- Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
- Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
- Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
- Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?"
- Two words: lap rash

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A note from Santa

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my Elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 Days of Christmas, but we had a little problem...

The 12 Fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 Ladies a-dancing.
The 11 Lords a-leaping have knocked up the 8 Maids a-milking.
The 9 Pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 Swans a-swimming.
The 6 Geese a-laying, 4 Calling Birds, 3 French Hens, 2 Turtle Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my Sled Runners in bird sh*t.
On top of all that Mrs. Claus is going through menopause. 8 of my Reindeer are in heat, the Elves have joined The Gay Liberation, and some people who can't read a Calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my act together and bring you the things you want, This year I suggest you get your ass down to Walmart before eveything is gone.

Love
Santa

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A man went to his psychiatrist and said,
"What's wrong with me? I'm afraid of Santa."
The psychiatrist said, "You must be Claustrophobic."